A Family Man
by FunnySideUp
Summary: A wacky Rhode Island family go through tough times and hilarious situations


A Family Man

Chapter # 1

Scene 1

In a Living Room

There is an attractive crimson red headed short-haired woman, Skyee, wearing a black shirt, brown pants, and black flats sitting on a couch. She is holding a blonde haired 3 year old child, Brian, wearing a black shirt with light blue-white jeans. Next to her is another crimson red headed short-haired girl, Leah, who wears a red shirt with brown shorts. She looks like a tomboy but she really is a regular girl who doesn't like wearing tight pants sometimes. On her Renee stomach on the rug is a very slight attractive. She is wearing a purple shirt and blue tight jeans. She has long brown hair in a ponytail and she is slightly portly like one of those Pig/Big butt girls. On the other side of the couch is a Goth looking girl with long dyed black hair, Gwen, and a yellow haired boy, Sam. Under Skyee is a dog, Tom, who looks and acts similar to "New Brian" but this dog is not so friendly. They are all watching TV.

On the TV

Barbra I come home from work and I see no hot meal, the kids wrecking the whole house which looks like crap by the way and you flipping through channels doing absolutely nothing" the man said.

"Look James you can't expect me to clean the house every day, the kids are bad, I can never buy anything from the market everyday on your salary, and I got bored so I can do whatever the f*** I want to do are you f***ing satisfied!" the woman said while putting her fists on her hips.

A little boy ran pass the arguing couple and the woman cracked his neck in anger.

Back in the living room

"I hate this soap opera, I remember writing the next scene" Tom said.

"Oh well you did a great-" , Skyee said before cracking up, "You little f***ing liar!" Skyee said while pointing her finger at Tom and laughing in an old-fashioned way.

"Face it Tom you are a failed director you wrote one season of your new TV Show Dancing upon the Stars which was absolutely terrible. It was basically just plain sh** just sh**. You only got one view which was by Renee who is more awful than the show" Leah commented.

"Leah can you tell me what section you got those shorts from because I saw Sam wearing the same thing you b****" Tom said defending himself.

Leah then got up and punched Tom in his face leaving him unconscious.

"Skyee I am home can you get dinner started" a yellow haired man in a blue business suit said while walking through the door.

"No I made dinner last night how about you do it" Skyee said.

"No you do it I work all day, all you do is sit around the house and watch Desperate Housewives" the man said while getting unsettled.

Skyee frowned and walked into the kitchen.

"Dad I don't understand you own 12 businesses around the world and you invested 50 dollars in other businesses and we live in a 1200 a month house" Renee said.

"First of all I don't talk to you I barely even know who you are and you are an embarrassment to this family and second of all I planned to have you killed on your 18th birthday and the guy who I hired to do it wants 18,000 dollars to cover it up and kill you" her father, Markus, said.

"What!"

"Nothing, anyway Gwen I bought you the crack you always smoke and Sam I have enrolled you in football because when Renee dies she will no longer be the man of the house."  
>Renee ran away while crying.<p>

"Dad I don't like football and I have dates" Sam said.

"Wait you said dates, well my son is a player" Markus said while giving his son a high five.

"Well I guess I could try it I mean it's not like I cannot get popular from it"

"You will from now on or else I shall do to you what I did to my boss when he didn't give me a raise" Markus responded.

Clip…

"I am sorry Mr. Markus Grant I cannot grant you a raise."

Mark gave him a look.

Moments later his boss was tied up to his desk.

"What are you doing!"

"If I can't get I raise I guess I want you fired" Sam said while lighting a match and throwing it on the desk.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Clip Ended

"Dad I don't smoke crack I get high on bananas" Gwen said.

"Oh then why do you look so pale, wait did you just say high on bananas?"

"Yeah why?"

"How do you do that I mean do you like sniff it or?" Sam asked.

"No dad it's hard to explain you have to listen to Gwen Stefani's song bananas" Gwen said.

Scene 2

Tom was walking and he bumped into an Indian vase.

"Tom what the f*** is wrong with you I paid 50,000 dollars for that vase you dumb a** dog!" Brian said while he was halfway down the steps.

"I am so sorry I just- wait did you just say you paid 50,000 dollars for that vase it looks like sh**" Tom commented.

"I bought that online and they said they got it from the Indian Nobles and I did things I am not proud of to get that vase" Brian said finally down the steps.

"Like that time you were hired to kill Angelina Jolie?" Tom asked.

Clip…

Brian rings her doorbell

"How may I help you?" Angelina asked after opening the door.

Brian then brutally stabbed her in the stomach and left.

Clip Ended.

"I have an idea how about you work off your debt. As soon as you get your 50,000 from working you are free to go. Come in my room in an hour then I will explain everything" Brian said before walking away.

In Brian's room

"Brian, how did you get all of this space?" Tom asked referring to the several offices in the room.

"Some Latin guy owed me a favor but let me explain some things. You will work in this office space and sell everything in this catalog. There will be some people next to you in about 10 minutes because many people owe my favors. You make 10,000 dollars a day 15,000 on weekends-"Tom interrupted Brian.

"With that kind of pay I will be out of here in no time" Tom said in excitement.

"I didn't finish you dumb a*** you only earn that much depending on how many items you sell a day. For example for 100 items sold that is 20 dollars."  
>"What you can't be serious!" Tom shouted.<p>

"Don't talk to me in that tone you could get fired" Brian threatened.

"Nah I'm just kidding ya calm down you crazy cat" Brian said while rubbing Tom's head with his fist.

"Well my office is right down there and your co-workers will be here in about 10 minutes you better start selling" Brian said before walking away.

10 minutes later…

"Hi you must be Tom I'm Ann, Brian always talks about you" a woman said.

"Yeah what does he say?" Tom asked curiously.

Tom didn't notice but other co-workers just passed by him

"Well sometimes he makes me think he spies on you but the rest are just comments on how much you smell like dog sh** and you do that weird stretch thing with your leg."  
>"Ok… well I better start selling" Tom said while laughing.<p>

"Hi are you Tom?" a man asked.

"Yeah."  
>"The boss wanted me to give you this" the man said before handing Tom a letter and walking away.<p>

_Dear, Tom_

_I have hired an attractive woman to sit next to you because though you are only 2 ( 24 in human years) I know how much you like housewives and other attractive woman who live off of other salaries. Also I will be paying you 50 dollars more for every 100 items you sell and that will start next week._

_From,_

_Brian_

_P.S. I have a friend who wants to get into Phoenix and since I told him you got your masters in journalism and other directing crap he really wants you to do it._

Tom then sighed in frustration.

Scene 2

Skyee walked into Renee's room where she was crying.

"Hey honey what's going on?" Skyee asked.

"Michael dumped me" Renee responded before crying even more.

"No wonder you smell like garbage sh**.

"No we broke up."

"Oh, don't tell anyone this but mommy is a little slow sometimes and I mean dumb like a bag a wet dog hair dumb. I didn't even pass any tests I just slept with all of my teachers and threatened I would charge rape. I don't even know where you get your smartness from that is what I envy about you."

"Really mom?" Renee asked.

"Are you kidding the only thing I envy about you is your big a** it looks like a f***ing truck I knew I should got an abortion with you. But then I found out you were a triplet so I risked it" Skyee.

"And the bad thing is we did it before we broke up" Renee said before calming down.

"What did you do?"

"The thing that causes you to have a baby" Renee said.

"Oh my god what the f*** is wrong with you, you ugly a** b****. Markus guess what."  
>"What?" Markus shouted from far away.<p>

"Renee had unprotected you know what."  
>"Whoever did it with her is f***ing disgusting. I mean she kinda looks attractive when you drink about 500000000 beers I would estimate but still that is some nasty sh**!" Mark said.<p>

"Did you do it at a party?" Skyee asked.

"Yes and he did have a couple of beers" Renee said in fear knowing it would only add to her humiliation.

"A couple of beers are you sure he didn't do any drugs or something because after a couple of beers you would look like a hot obese girl."

"I'm not even that fat I am very skinny but slightly portly" Renee added.

Skyee knew her daughter was in good shape she just liked humiliating her because of her portly appearance and her big a**.

"So are you preggo?" Skyee asked.

"Get the f*** out of my room you dumb a** b****.

Skyee ran out in fear.

Scene 3

In Brian's room

"Alright everyone time for lunch break" Brian said.

"Umm Brian can I see you for a moment?" Tom asked.

"Sure anything for my Tom cat. Aha ha ha ha that was funny because I said Tom cat and your name is Tom and you are a tom cat. Yeah no one laughs at my jokes."

"I am a dog Brian."  
>"But daddy told me... you were a cat."<p>

"No you wanted me to be a cat when you were two and your father said no way then you started crying and ever since then you thought I was a cat" Tom corrected.

"So what did you want to see me about?"

"I have sold 1,000 items today and I made 200 hundred dollars that is complete sh**" Tom said.

"Well this could be good for you Tom. Before you worked here you were an unemployed cat who sat on the couch all day and watched VH1. And before you did that you were a director who wrote movies that were complete sh** and by the way that movie you wrote Day Over The Water… what the f*** was that I wanted to kill you so bad. First of all you put Tom Cruise as the leading role which was just like… and then Anne Hathaway was his disabled wife. It was a f***ing romantic comedy…Anne and Tom in a romantic comedy what the f*** is wrong with you!"

"F*** you!" Tom said before leaving the office.

Scene 4

"Honey I am sorry about earlier it just that mommy thought you were smarter than that. Then I thought well I thought you're a** can fit about 100 textbooks on it so then I thought yeah someone was bound to-" Skyee started to laugh because she tried to keep a straight face.

"You little hore!" Skyee while laughing.

"Mom what should I do. Michael doesn't even know yet and child birth sounds painful" Renee said.

"You should let Michael find out honey I mean come on if you tell him now then your life will be more sh**ty than Tom's movies. And about the childbirth thing it is very painful. Especially when I had you, you ripped me like paper I had to get like 100 stiches. Then I had Brian and that was… and your older brothers Ricky and Sam they just like pushed through there like football players."

"So you think I should tell him because I think all that other stuff was just to humiliate me" Renée said.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night b****."

Moments later

"Dad can I talk to you?" Renee asked.

"What do you want?"  
>"I want to tell Michael that I am pregnant and mom is acting like a b**** so-" Renee said.<p>

"Anything for my little girl. I think you should tell him because you will know how he feels about the whole situation" Mark said.

"Thanks dad you're the best!" Renee said while giving her father a hug.

"Don't ever hug me again I don't even know why you are talking to me please get the hell out of my room you fat a** farm animal" Mark said in a fatherly tone.

Renee walked out of the room frowning.

"Hey Renee, love ya" Mark whispered.

Renee began to smile and her face lit up.

Scene 5

Days later

"Good morning everyone today is your 10th day at work and I thought we should have a little party" Brian said.

"So I see you two are getting along well" Brian said referring to Tom and Ann.

"Yeah we are going out" Tom announced.

"Oh congratulations Ann you got yourself a real dog" Brian said in a cocky tone.

Ann began to look worried.

"What do you mean by that?" Tom asked.

"Didn't you hear-"Brian was interrupted.

"Snitches get stitches" a man said rapidly in the background in a manly voice.

"Shut up Randy, anyway didn't your hear Ann used to go out with a teddy dog."

"I hate you Brian" Ann said while running away and crying.

"I get it you didn't really want me to work off my debt you wanted me to be completely humiliated. And I bet that the vase costs way less than 50,000 dollars!"

"Actually I crafted it myself but that works."


End file.
